Life pans out in a very funny way, that’s why they say God has a great sense of humor. Mostly life pans out the way it wants and sometimes it just doesn’t pan, tilt, jib or zoom. (😄 throwing about camera lingo because I can)
You go on with your daily routine and every underlying thing as usual but when you lie in bed at the end of the day and recount what you have done and what value it might have added, you regret thinking about it. Because, disappointment. So you try and shut your eyes then realize your feet are cold. In situations like these you would often get up get an extra pair of socks and warm water in the hot water bottle. But not today.
You always go by lists and your life is basically listed, but of late you can’t make any because you low-key hope your old organized and “doer” self will come back. It’s becoming a habit. It sort of worries you but you also don’t really care at this point. So you proceed to shut people out. Mainly because you do not want to be explaining to people why you don’t know what you are going through. It’s like crying and not knowing why you are crying, do you ever have those?
Like, Once in a while just lock yourself in a room, play loud music and scream into your pillow and sob really loudly? No? You should try. Then when your neck and face are really hot and the tears are done welling up, just stop. If not, keep going. Don’t clean your face, just look at yourself in the mirror and try to smile. This is usually my sort of victory moment. It feels like surviving a storm.
Back to you.
You push yourself to do something, anything. So you take out the notebook that has secretly always made your bag look a ton or two heavier than a girl going about her duties. Those tiny sling bags that carry bus fare and lip-gloss are never your thing. (I will tell you why I have issues with those)
Not forgetting the book you are currently reading making your regular handbag last four months at most if is of good quality. With all this luggage as your daily must haves you wonder if people think you are doing the walk of shame. But really, no one cares. So should you. But you wonder anyway.
You stare down at the blank page, write a few words but they don’t make sense so you pick up the phone and scroll through your feed until an hour and fifteen minutes later, you feel like an undercover FBI agent because you know who and who else and their crushes including their exes dog tag color and can bet on that.
Then you realize how much of a social media slave you have become, a loser in the making and how much you have single handedly cultivated it. Then you become sad again. You might be an introvert but today you do not want to strike a conversation with anyone. Sunglasses are your savior so any time there’s anything gleaming for longer than five minutes, you always have them on. Why squint when you can spy, right? If you successfully ignore someone, it’s a small victory. If they see you and are smart enough to read your mood, you nod in greeting or wave. Another small victory. Then there’s that one who doesn’t read the mood or have business to mind so they engage you and want to dissect your business approaching with a wide grin and you roll your eyes. good thing they can’t see. They strike a conversation but you put them all out with one word answers. They ask “what’s wrong” as if they care. I bet you wish you should have run the other way.
You have been listening to drake’s songs back to back, you start feeling a little bit lonely and guiltier. Then you want to pick up the phone and apologize to that guy that has been trying to hit on you. For being such an evil heartless prick, but you still don’t like his face so you let that slide. I would rather be single, you say to yourself.
It is still cold when you get home, so you fire up the laptop, your only source of entertainment. Make yourself a cup of green tea and start looking for something to watch that won’t drag you down. Hot water bottle, check, blanket, check. The phone buzzes. You are surprised you hadn’t taken it out of the bag. I.M. you think it’s one of those groups but you check anyway. Just one of those “Hey stranger” texts.
Forget the movie, forget the tea. It triggers something and you get inspiration to write a trilogy and the movie script alongside a playwright. Some find peace in quiet, others in noise but you draw inspiration from anger. Just like that, your mojo is back. And whether or not it dawns on you, such is life.